Report to the Agency: M3 introduces C1

M3 introduces C1

First off I must apologize for the long gap between reports. I am only now able to tell you that I was on assignment for most of the summer, seeking out and recruiting a new member for The Agency. The work of keeping an eye on my humans and on their neighbourhood was proving too much for me, what with having to pick up and decipher all those messages from other agents, and collecting as much information as possible for my reports. Eventually, The Agency send me a message through the boxer next door that I had been given the go-head to bring on a new agent on a probationary trial.
The biggest challenge, of course, was trying to think of some way to convince my humans that there should be another agent in the house. They were already feeling they had their hands full with one agent. So by cleverly using my other contacts in another part of the city, I had various cadet agents place their pictures and profiles on Kijiji, where, as I knew would eventually happen, my female human saw the picture of the agent I had in mind, and found her “cute”.
I was sure my plan would come off as I had laid out because the agent I wanted was another beagle, and we know how my humans feel about cute beagles.
So it’s my pleasure to introduce you to C1 – or “probie” – who will be learning the ropes from me and the other agents in the area (her file is already on record, I believe). C1 is enthusiastic, energetic and determined, but is also a little too easily distracted, and tends to have trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. But I remember those months when I was a new agent and just starting out, and I will work hard to bring C1 up to sniff in no time.
As always,
M3

C1 checks out the view

Report to the Agency: M3 gets to the bottom of things.

Report to the Agency: M3 gets to the bottom of things.

As your agent sent to report on the activities of humans, I have to tell you that I am amazed at how wasteful they can sometimes be. Take peanut-butter jars, for instance. All agents know that peanut butter is to dogs what rocky road ice cream is to humans – an amazing natural resource not to be wasted. And yet, just the other day, my humans were ready to wash and recycle a plastic jar that still have several teaspoons of peanut butter left in it!!
Needless to say, your humble agent was on the job immediately, snatching the jar off the kitchen counter and then setting about properly cleaning it out. Once I was finished with it, there really was no need to wash it because no amount of soap and water could have made it any cleaner than what I had accomplished.
It occurs to me that there is butter on wrappings, small bits of stale cheese, left over scrambled eggs, and all sorts of other delicacies – morsels of steak, crusts of bread – that are also going to waste right under my snout.
I can see that I will have to be even more vigilant than usual in the kitchen.
As always,
Yours,
Agent M3.

M3 goes to Camp

A couple of weeks ago my owners went on vacation, and while they were away they sent me to summer camp.

I have not been to camp since I was a Beagle Scout, but I loved it then and I loved it now. The best part of being at summer camp is, well, the chance to do stuff - all sorts of stuff. From first thing in the morning until bedtime, the camp counsellors kept us busy with games, sports, food, hikes, swimming lessons and arts and crafts. Well, in all honesty I didn't do the swimming classes. I am a little nervous about being in water where I can't touch the bottom, so I got to practice catching balls instead while the other dogs went swimming. It was kind of nice because I'm getting pretty good at catching the balls - although I don't understand why I'm supposed to bring them back because when I do the humans just throw them again.

Swimming, on the other hand, has always been a bit of a problem for me, ever since I was in training at the Agency. All agents are supposed to be excellent swimmers, but for some reason I swim like a rock. Even as a puppy when I had some extra puppy fat, I couldn't stay afloat in a bath tub, much less a lake or a river. But as these things often go, it turned out I was really good at picking up and decoding secret messages on the trot, so I was allowed to stay on at the Agency and complete my training to be come a bone-carrying secret puppy agent.

I was at camp for a week and I had a great time - I highly recommend it to all puppies, whether they are secret agents or not. When my owners came to pick me up I was hot, dusty, tired and had four sore paws, and my collar was in tatters, but I had one of the biggest grins on my face I have ever had - I can't wait until next year.

Report to The Agency: M3 on Higher Education.

Report to The Agency: M3 on Higher Education

It was a proud moment for me - one of the proudest in my life. A few days ago I received my graduation diploma! After many weeks, and a considerable financial investment on the part of my adopted humans, I am happy to say that I marched along with three other agents at the front of all our humans to receive our Diploma of Obedience from the headmaster of the Puppy Agent Training Academy and Boarding Kennels (PATABK).
There had been moments when I was not so sure I was going to be allowed to take part in the graduation ceremony. My seven successful escapes, for instance - four of them from the humorously named "invisible Fence" - did cast a little doubt on my willingness to obey my people when they called me, but by being on my very best behaviour and hardly nipping at the legs of my male human during the final exam, I managed to convince the headmaster that I at least had the basics down.
Then, to put the gravy on the ice cream, as it were, I went back this week to be tested for the "Good Neighbour Dog" certificate and passed that too!!! My owners were so impressed they laughed uproariously with pleasure and happiness. So now I will be getting a certificate for that.
After my fabulous undergraduate career I have decided to pursue post-graduate studies at the PATABK school, so after a brief holiday at the Doggy Country Spa and Inn where I will see if I can jump a six foot fence, I will be entering the Fetch and Jump Program which will conclude at the end of the summer.
I know I can jump... especially invisible fences. I wonder what "fetch" means...

As always, Agent M3.

M3 and the limits of Freedom.

That's me... over there... beyond the fence...

Report to the agency: M3 and the limits of Freedom

Sometimes my humans are just too cute. After my two latest successful escapes a couple of weeks ago, they have decided to install an “invisible” fence that is supposed to keep beagle agents such as myself from getting out of the yard.
Really? An INVISIBLE fence!? How much did you pay for that? Did it come with an “invisible” gate too? Or an “invisible” barn? How about a new suit of clothes for the emperor? What part of "invisible" don't they get?
To quote the great Hooker – Shakespeare’s dog – “What fools these humans be.” I thumb my nose at their “invisible” fence – well, I don’t perhaps “thumb” exactly, but I most certainly twitch my tail at it, and I wave my whiskers. Pffft! Since no actual fence has yet been built that will keep beagle agents from their appointed rounds, how could they possibly think that an invisible fence could do anything? It’s not even there, for dog’s sake.
Anyway, a very nice human male came in a truck and dug a small trench all around the perimeter after which he planted lots of pretty little flags along the trench, and assured my humans that they now have a fence that will keep me in.
I thought they would kick him off the property, but instead they gave him an amazing amount of money, in spite of my barking a warning that THERE WAS NOTHING THERE!
Mind you, I did get a very nice new collar out of the deal, so not an entire loss, but if you ask me, my humans were taken in by a not very clever scam.
I can hardly wait for the time they let me out into the back yard and tell me to stay inside the “fence” and then pretend to close a “gate.”
My next report will be filed from Jakarta.
As always
Yours
M3

Report to the Agency: M3 unleashed.

Report to the Agency: M3 unleashed.
My humans, lovely and caring creatures though they are, are under the mistaken impression that they need to be in control of me at all times, which is why they walk me on a leash, buckle me into the car, and tie me to a post outside the coffee shop, grocery store or bank when we go to the village.
What they don’t realize, of course, is that as a secret agent on a mission from the Agency, I must be free to leap into action at any second.
In order to maintain my readiness to spring alertly to my feet and dash off on a job, I do, unfortunately, often have to gnaw my way through whatever restraints my humans use.
Yesterday I did make a tiny error in my gnawing. Instead of merely severing a leash or other small restraining strap, I managed to chew nearly clean through my female human’s car seat belt. Seat belts are made of tougher material than I had thought. So far only my expensive leather strap has proved too resilient for me to cut through in a few minutes, but only because one of my humans – the male – asked me if I had lost my mind and would I mind stopping immediately.
The seat belt was, I admit, a mistake. My only excuse is that it was late, I was a little tired, and perhaps a little distracted by my concern for the safety of my humans who had left me in the car for a few minutes while they went into a store. At any rate, while I had meant to slice through my own seat restraint, I managed to saw almost clean through my human’s restraint.
As you can imagine, when my humans saw my handiwork, they were so impressed they were practically speechless, holding the belt in their hands and asking each other to “Have a look at this! How on Earth did she manage to do that?”
It’s good to know I can still impress them, although they really need to learn to smile more.
All in all, a job well done: at least I know I can do it if need be.
Keeping my teeth and wits sharp, I remain
Yours,
M3.

Report to The Agency: The Enemy Stinks.

M3 meets the enemy – and he stinks

I guess I should have seen it coming. It was such a rookie mistake, and in this business, if you make a mistake, you pay for it. It stinks, but that's the way it is.
It was just another early morning on assignment. I had just returned from taking my human for a walk around the block, enjoying the fresh air and watching the dawn break gracefully in the eastern sky. Perhaps it was the slightly warmer air, maybe the faint scent of spring, I'll never know, but my usually finely honed secret agent powers were lulled into an uncharacteristic relaxed attitude - which would cost me dearly.
When we arrived back at HQ, I went out to do my daily patrol of the perimeter, when I suddenly spotted a strange cat in the driveway. I am, of course, familiar with all the cats and dogs in the neighbourhood, so when I failed to recognize this one, I went to investigate and have a look at its credentials.
That's when things went horribly wrong. At the very last second, before everything turned to slow motion and I blacked out... I saw that the cat had a white stripe down it's back, and that is was slowly turning it's back end to me. I saw the moist droplets in the clear morning air, and I felt them hit my fur like tiny needles burning my skin as they landed.I tried to stop. I tried to duck, roll and run for cover, but it was too little, too late. The full shot hit me squarely in the face. I had been skunked!
The horror! The horror!
That most wicked agent of C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Agent Skunk, had out foxed me - or out skunked - me.
The next few hours are a blur of yelling, of being carried, of people cursing, water running... I remember trying to rub the stink off on all the furniture in my humans' house, but to no avail. I was washed, perfumed, dried, perfumed again, washed again until I collapsed exhausted on my bed and fell into a deep and restless slumber filled with nightmare visions of giant skunks pointing at me and laughing through green clouds of stink.
It is now days later - I'm fine, and able to carry on my regular duties again, but my humans... well, it will take me weeks to air them out enough for them to stop smelling - and the furniture - well, you'd think they would clean the place up a little better once in a while.
But the next time I meet Agent Skunk, I will be ready with my can of Skunk Away in my backpack. He will not catch me by surprise again.
Yours,
M3